I Blame the Turtle
by Xx.The Kurokage.xX
Summary: A fanfic based on LolliDictator's Hetalia manuals,   Join a bunch of girls in trying to live normal lives, while trying to put up with each other and the Hetalia characters! Rated T for severe language of the OC's and the characters.
1. This is sooo screwed up

Disclaimer: DISCLAIMED, HAPPY NAO? (Hetalia is owned by Hidekaz Himaruya and the manuals I'm basing this on are from LolliDictator) I only own one original character there, (also known as myself) and the rest belong to my friends.

I can't believe I'm still alive! /shot/

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><p>I woke up earlier than usual, so instead of bugging my sister for breakfast, I just waltzed over to my baby to spend some time with her, before I go bug my dear sister.<p>

"My dear child, did you miss mommy?" I grinned before leaning in to kiss my beloved laptop. Oh how I loved the vacation, school wasn't starting until around the second week of September, although it was the start of the month, my happy days are about to come to a close.

WELL at least there are;

No boring teachers to piss off, which means no detention.  
>No shitty homework to be done, which means fewer headaches.<br>No annoying classmates who piss the flying shit out of me.

Just I, my dear laptop, a jar of Nutella, and Hetalia, sum it all up, Heaven.

I settled comfily on the puffy red rotating office chair, and smiled contentedly at the peace and quiet of my room.

That is, until someone pounded at the door to my room.

After saying a string of colorful words from my much expanded vocabulary under my breath, I walked over and kicked the fucking door open.

"FUCK BIANCA WHAT THE SHIT?"

"I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU THE SAME THING ZIEGE!" She yelled into my ear.

"Bianca, let's shut up, we're too loud for this hour in the morning. We might wake up Isabel and the others…" I told her, rubbing my poor abused ear, but, since when did I be so nice, I think it's the soda…

"Yeah... Noon is waaaaay too early to start the day." she murmured. Okay... So maybe me and my screwed up family exaggerate things too much, but seriously, here in our cozy mansion here in Seattle, we can pretty much do whatever the shit we want.

"So what's the matter, sis?" I asked tugging her in my pretty white and red room.

"We ran out of bacon."

My eyes widened at that.

"OH SHIT NU."

I pushed her out of the house in the cold September breeze in nothing but her pajamas and a wallet, ordering her to buy more bacon.

"GEM, YOU'RE A FUCKING BASTARD. LET ME IN." she screamed profanities at the door, MY door.

"Uh fiiiiiine, get in, get a jacket, change your damn clothes and go already!" I ordered, stomping off to my room, and locking it.

"OH YEAH AND CIAO SORELLA, TI AMO, BE CAREFUL BRING HOME BACOOOON!" I called out to the window, waving to my older half-sister, yay, she bad fingered me. I did the same.

Shit... I couldn't possibly play with myself, now can I?  
>I just sighed and turned off the popup blocker to play around a bit, until something caught my eye.<p>

A HETALIA POP UP? Just as I was about to mouse over it using a tablet another obnoxious knocking noise was shittily being made from none other than my door.

"What NOW?" I asked as my stomach growled. I got up and unlocked my door, only to find a sleepy Isabelle holding Tart, my pet giant tortoise, to her chest.

"Gem... Where's Violet?"

"Buying bacon."

"Glad you're awake now, Gemina, Kristen was making creeper noises while she slept."

"Aww is little Isa-chan scared? And why do you have Tart?" I noticed the turtle in her arms as I snatched it from her and let it down on my computer desk.

"Oh... Tart... Uh, i went to your room last night and Violet said you were asleep, so I just took Tart and left."

I was about to reply until I heard a clicking noise toward the direction of my little Tart-chan, and looking back toward him, my ice cream desktop was covered with a picture of all the Nation-tans doing their usual crazy antics.

"Gem, Gem, what'd Tart do?" Isabel asked as I pushed myself on my computer chair lazily to look at the thing Tart clicked.

Spinning toward the direction of my laptop and pet turtle, I read the (Oh dear God please don't be a pop-up) pop-up. Well damn. Tart clicked one.

"Well. Tart seemed to click a pop up." It read,

'Grazie GEM LOUZELLE BELLA for ordering and agreeing to beta units from us! Please wait for your upcoming units within two business days.'

-Flying Mint Bunny Co.

Apparently I did not notice the word 'beta'

Woah, uh yeah... I've heard of these HetaUnits before but, I don't really know what they are... Maybe some expensive collectible plushy series or something else… But it's a pop up. May just be a scam, and whoever the shit who made this... Might just be an Iggy fangirl.

There was someone pounding at the front door of the mansion, "GEEEEM I HAS THE BACON YOU WANTED!" Bianca's loud scream rang through the halls as Isabel-chan ran and opened the door for my twin sis.

"Louzelle... What the fuck are you Isabel and Violette doing at this fucking hour to be this noisy? The others can sleep through all your shit... I wonder how they do it..." Kristen pushed her glasses up to her eyes as she groggily walked out of her room dragging her pillow along with her and sitting on the couch, rolling my eyes at her pessimism this early... Well if you could call twelve thirty in the afternoon early...

I smiled bitterly, damn, just cause the heat down there in her freezing hell-hole of a basement went out doesn't mean she has to take it out on me, I mean she's the one who's supposed to pay those damned bills.

"We ran out of bacon. That's all," I sad walking past her nonchalantly, letting Tart down to let him, her – it? Mope on the couch.

"My fridge is STOCKED. I only came out to shut you morons up." She said glaring at my turtle, for hogging a better part of the beige loveseat; Tart seemed to glare at her back, her… or is it him? – ITS (let's go with that for a while) face seeming to mean, 'What's your problem, bitch? I had to put up with your fucking creeper sounds all night!' or something a little like that… Anyway, Bianca and Isabel made it up to the second floor carrying seven pounds of heavenly bacon, which will last us about… two to three days, considering the amount of people on this house, and the fact Bianca actually eats…

"Hey, Gem, you owe me, dammit, it's below freezing out there!" Bianca thumped me upside the head; I shot her a glare and waltzed into the kitchen.

"Yeah, yeah Sorella, I'm making dinner tonight so no need to worry," A sudden realization hit me, I couldn't cook.

"OH SHIT NO." I dropped the (thankfully plastic) plate and started slapping myself.

"Schwester, what's the matter, another milk carton in your fridge again?" Bianca poked her head in the kitchen, a concerned look on her face.

"Ah… I just remembered… I can't cook…" Cue facepalm.

"We all know you can't you're worse than Arthur, now shut up and stop your goddamn moping." Damn Kristen, that is WHY I hate her guts, but she does get us beer… ah whatever.

I took some leftover lasagna from the fridge and stuffed it into the microwave, hitting the two minute mark and closing the microwave door, and then I took two cans of coke from the fridge and tripped on my way out and went to the living room.

"Sorella, catch," I threw the can to Bianca who caught it with ease, and I plopped myself down beside her and Isabel.

I forgot to introduce myself… I'm Gemina Louzelle Bella, no seriously, that's my real name, my last name: 'Bella' isn't the suckish name from Twilight or as I like to call it, 'Twiglit' it's pronounced the Spanish way, but I'm Filipino, and in the Philippines, it's normal to have two or more exotic first names, go Google it.

I migrated to Alfred –_America_ when I was five, I live in a four story house (that is if you don't count the attic and the basement…) with my self-proclaimed-sisters and a few friends, and why our deranged parents let us live together will always be a mystery to me…

The idiots – (I regret nothing) beside me are Bianca Violette Guerra, and Maria Isabel de Jesus, Bianca is my dear-make-believe-fraternal-twin-sister, who despite her name, is NOT Italian, like me she's Filipino. And Isabel, (the only one with a decent name here…) is half Spanish, half Filipino, she just dyed her hair green the other day… so that doesn't really make her normal… as if anyone in this house is…

I also live with my other friends, Abigail Kristen Taningco, Denise Claire and Faye Therese Alcazar and last but definitely not the least, Bianca Angela Ozaeta (why yes there are two Bianca's in this house, your point is?).

~o~o~o~o~

Two days passed as if you erased the next two days from a calendar, and I have completely forgotten about the Tart-pop-up-unit-incident-shit, which is until someone rang the doorbell, at about eight in the (fucking) morning.

Growling, and dragging the sleeping turtle with me, I ran down two floors, (completely forgetting that there was a damn elevator) and jumped down from the third step down skidding a little and landing on the damn pavement, I pulled myself together and opened the door mustering up as much composure I can make up at eight, as my Turtle slides down gently to the floor on the railing of the stairs.

Damn my arm's gonna bruise. And damn, that's a big box. And GODDAMN that delivery dude is hot. Wait… erase that last line…

"Hi, what do you want?" I mentally slapped myself, as hot delivery dude pulled out an electronic signer.

"I need your signature; I have your unit," Well good morning to you too.

"I didn't order anything," I glanced at the truck behind him, "IS THAT A FLYING MINT BUNNY?"

"Ah, yes… I see you're a fan of Hetalia, and by any chance, are you Miss Gemina Bella?" He asked, probably growing impatient, though there was an obviously fake smile there on his lips.

"Umm… yes, I am…" Well, I've done it; I've forgotten my identity how stupid can I be?

"Okay so this unit is yours… and according to this billing statement it's free." He motioned for me to get the signer, and I reluctantly took it and scrawled my name.

How could something as big as that, be free?

"Do you want me to put the beta-unit in?" He asked I nodded and made him follow me to the second floor, this time taking the elevator… Wait… DAMN, BETA? SO THAT'S WHY IT'S FREE!

"Your next unit will arrive in two days, and might I suggest reading this—before you try anything, since it is a beta-unit after all." I nodded again, and took the manila envelope from him.

"See you in two days" I nodded for the umpteenth time today (I seem to like nodding these days I wonder why) and pushed him out the door.

Going back up excitedly, and grabbing the manila envelope from the table where I left it I glanced down and read the words on it, and my tiny brain took a few moments before the words registered properly in my mind.

_Feliciano Vargas User Guide and Manual_

And with all the lateness of my Godforsaken reaction, I spazzed uncontrollably (oh dear Arceus help me).

YAY this means, it was completely worth waking up early, and I got my favorite character's brother!

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><p>-End chapter one-<p>

A/N yay, chapter one is DOOOONE~ I also put a little Pokémon reference there, I don't own that either.  
>Anyway look forward to the next one~ Arrivederci my dear readers, Review please!<p>

Updates will be weekly. Hopefully.


	2. ISTILLCAN'TBELIEVEIT 11 1 one!

Well… sorry I didn't update… I uh… forgot… yeah…

This isn't Beta'd, 'kay?

I don't own, if I did, well… GerIta will canon.

Oh yeah and shout out to IRL Kristen, share the Goddamn vodka next time!

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><p>-ISTILLCAN'TBELIEVEIIIIT!1!1!111!one!-<p>

Fearing my for my life a spazzed and screamed in the bathroom, I wanted to see the day a Romano unit would come to my doorstep for me to make lo – I mean to live here…and if I wanted that to happen, I should make sure Miss-Russia-wannabe (aka Kristen) will not wake up under ANY circumstances, and besides, I value my head…

After about half an hour of screaming, rocketeering off the walls of the bathroom and slipping on bars of soap, I was exhausted, SRSLY, spazzing is hard work you know? It isn't just fun and games, its hard work, and it involves MOVING. See what I did there?

Anyway, going back to the living room I stared at the box, it was taller than me…WHYYY EVERYTHING'S TALLER THAN MEEEE? EVEN THE GODAMN FRIIIIIDGE! Okay, ignore that. I went beside it and took the envelope on the floor; the spaz session is still getting on me… Damn now I have a fucking headache…

I flipped through the manual that was in it, muttering shit every, like, five seconds? Polish people are, like, totally contagious.

So… does this mean I have to start speaking with a valley girl accent? Damn I keep straying off-topic, TOPIC Y U HATE MEH?

My eyes landed on 'How to remove unit from packaging' I looked up from the paper to the box, then back to the paper and back to the box, that went on for about two minutes before my brain processed shit.

Finally getting the idea, (SLOWBROOO) I deemed the first the easiest, I didn't want to violate his hair curl, because I'm just too nice, I'll do that to Romano.

As mentioned by Kristen… I can't cook… but with Feliciano here I don't have to beg Bianca for pasta every night, I'm sure.

"I'll boil shit then…"

Waltzing over to the kitchen I boiled water and wafted the water's… scent? (What the magic flying fuck?) To the box, I heard sounds from the box and sobbing… damn, I made him cry!

I went near it, "Feli don't cry, I'll get you out," I cooed the box, hugging it, before unlocking the hatch on the top which sealed it shut, and before I knew what the shit happened, I found myself in a bone-crushing hug.

"Ve, bella you saved me from the scary box!" The manual's right… he did say that, BUT more importantly, he's crushing my lungs, THIS IS BAD FOR MEEE!

"BIANCAAAAAA HELP MEEEE I'M DYIIIIIIING!" I managed to choke out, and Veneziano let go of me.

"Ve bella, are you okay?" Well you killed me….

No response on my part, I just laid down there on the floor whilst Feliciano, I assumed was poking me with one of his white flags or something…

Sure enough he was, though not with a white flag.

"VE I THINK I KILLED HER!" And he started bawling.

"F-Feliciano, I'm still alive… I think…" I murmured… Feliciano let out a sigh of relief.

"Ve, bella, how do you know my name, are you psychic?"

"No…" This was Feliciano… and boy was he an idiot.

I got up and dusted off the imaginary dust off my shorts and legs, (why I was wearing shorts in September… I will never know)

And someone sped down the stairs and into the living room.

"Gem, this better be good, why the fuck did you c –" Oh HAI BIANCA.

"Gemina Louzelle Bella, answer me, why the flying fuck is NORTH ITALY, here in the Godforsaken living room?"

"I am screwed…" I waved with a derp-y smile plastered on my face. MAAAAAN I'M SCREWED…

"HELL YES, YOU ARE." I smiled apologetically and hid behind Feliciano, this was worse than the time I woke her up by tripping on her, or that time that I was hungry and I woke her up by blasting Lavender Town on the speakers directly on her ears.

"Uh… T-Tart clicked a pop-up a few days ago… then there was this hot delivery dude… then there was the giant box… then boiling water… then Feli… then shit happened… then waah."

"What the fuck?" She scratched the back of her head and pushed her yellow and blue glasses up the bridge of her nose.

"Feliciano… this will be the best time in the history of everything to bring out a white flag…" I muttered, teary-eyed, Bianchi (a pet name) was scary when she was angry, that was the reason why I made her the Germany here… and I was the Italy… (Well, she didn't really agree to be Germany, but the real Germany never really wanted to be Italy's ally in the start, but he got over it. That and I ran out of characters…)

Feliciano automatically had a white flag in his hand, and gave it to me; he had his own in his other hand.

Bianca let out a sigh, "Before you two go bawling on the floor and start screaming 'I surrender' loud enough for Kristen to wake up and bring hell to us all, Gem, will you explain in human words what the shit happened?"

I peeked from Feliciano's shoulder, she wasn't fuming anymore, a little pissed but still, she's okay now… I think…

"Ve… uwaaah she's scary…" I heard Feliciano tell me, "She's worse than Germany!"

Uh-oh… He shouldn't have said that.

I'm more screwed than a drunken hooker after a one night stand.

Fuck my life…

"I will pretend I did not hear that…" Bianca gave me a scathing glare, and if looks could kill… I would be sitting in a pile of ashes now… Wait… SHE DIDN'T REACT?

"Bianca… did you catch a cold?" Feliciano, my human shield was cowering in fear, so more or less, the shield shit was USELESS.

"I'm fine, Gem, it's almost ten, Claire will probably wake up any minute from now so could you just take Feliciano to your room and explain to me what happened?" She's taking this calmly… that's a first.

"Okay…"

She glided up the stairs, wanting me to follow her, I smiled apologetically to Feliciano.

"I never got to introduce myself properly, I know who you are, you're Feliciano Vargas, a-k-a North Italy, and my name is Gemina Louzelle Bella, nice to finally meet you Feli."

"Ve, nice to meet you too Gemina," HE'S OOZING HAPPY PASTA RAAYS! (What?)

"Oh, sorry for my friend, Bianca's usually nicer… but I did accidentally wake her up… she acts like Germany a little, so be careful around her." I told him, Bianca was one of the people he should avoid… until he gets to her good side at least.

"Ve, it's okay, Doitsu's like that too, but he's far worse he makes me run laps and eat bad-tasting sausages!"

"I FEEL YOUR PAIN! Though she doesn't make me run laps, she makes me do my homework and she deprives me of pasta!" This is becoming better than I thought.

"Ve, really, I start crying when that happens, with Doitsu teaching me, math becomes scary!"

"That must be harsh, I'm still in high school so I learn algebra, but WHO NEEDS ALGEBRA IN BECOMING AN ARTIST!" Now I'm spazzing.

"GEM, FELICIANO WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO? I'm waiting!" Bianca's voice was loud enough to be heard in the freezing hellhole down below, and surprisingly Kristen was still sleeping her ass off, probably with another Goddamn hangover, fucking bitch didn't share her vodka.

"YES!" Like I said, I value my life, so I grabbed Feliciano's wrist and practically flew up the stairs, I really did not know I could run as fast as that.

In no time we made it to my room and went inside, Bianca had an impatient look about her face.

"Yeah, ciao Bianca, I'm sorry for waking you up, you can go back to sleep if you want…"

"It's alright, Gem, just tell me what happened."

-One hour of explaining shit, crying, white flags and pissed Bianca's later-

"So you mean to say that, your Goddamn turtle clicked a pop-up, then two days later Feli arrived, and shit, right?"

At that time, to make Feli stop crying and for me stop whining Bianca got us ice cream from her fridge, and we were eating.

"Yesh, that's the case." I popped a spoon into my mouth licking off the cookies and cream from it.

"I can't believe that took an hour of explaining."

"You didn't get used to it?"

Someone pounded my door noisily, whoever it was, probably thought those Goddamn zombies came out of The Walking Dead and started eating me alive.

"Who in the Goddamn asscrack of the world is it?"

I licked off the remains of the heavenly ice cream from my spoon and waited at the door, opening it could be a hazard according to my giant pile of zombie survival books, the one pounding could be a hungry zombie ready to rip me apart limb from limb.

And yes, before you jump to conclusions that I'm a paranoid-delusional freak with a problem with the undead, I'm just your (quasi) average sixteen year-old otaku with an uncontrollable zombie obsession.

Your problem is?

"Guess who, Gem-chan?"

Isabel, phew, at least I know she's not a zombie.

"Ah, Chai, thought you were a soldier of the undead army, you should've just said hi like any live, un-Solanum-ified human being who is not rotting flesh and a thing that hungers for living human meat." I opened the door, to see my dyed-green haired best friend who dragged along a sleeping green tortoise, Chai as we like to call her, sighed in relief.

"I thought you and Bianca-chan were having World War Three in here because of all the commotion, Tart even went to my room, I think it was afraid and stop thinking about those zombies you might wake Bianca or me up just to make sure there aren't any in the basement." Her eyes scanned my room for anything peculiar and landed on Feliciano.

"GEM… IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?" She pointed at Feliciano who was situated right beside Bianca, so I thought she pointed at Bianca.

"Well, duh, of course that's Bianca, you've seen her before, obviously," And I could never have been more stupid.

Cue double facepalm.

"Gem… I meant the one beside her… that really ruined the moment, y'know."

"Oh, you mean, Feli? He came in the mail earlier today." I said bluntly, petting le turtle from her hands.

"Ve, bella, why is your hair green? Are you trying to c-cos-cosplay? You know the things Kiku does in Japan," Now, let me sit back, relax, and watch super-tsun-tsun-dere-dere Chai in action.

"W-what in hell is a Kiku? What the hell's a Japan? Is it edible, or is it a video game?" – Turning to me – "Gem is it one of those pasta sauces you want to eat or something? I know what cosplay is but what the hell's a Japan?" Aww my overly tall little sister is having a tsundere session!

"Kiku is my friend! He represents the country of Japan, an-"—I cut him off.

"Feli, Isabel knows what a Japan or a Kiku is; she just has that tiny, TINY bit of an ameba-sized anime crush on him." Note the sarcasm.

"WAIT, NO, SHE'S LYING!" In denial~

"Chai, 'Denial' is a river in AFRICA not Seattle, okay?" Bianca suddenly piped in, I forgot she was there, so I walked toward her and propped myself down beside her, patting the space on my left side for Chai to sit.

"Shut up."

"Oh, Feli, the green haired girl is Isabel, but we like to call her 'Chai' she represents Japan and Spain here, though who she represents depends on her mood." I said, getting up since Isabel ignored the seat offer, "I'll wake up Angela now, and Claire," I left the room, kind of, I just stood outside of my door, but that counts as leaving the room.

"GEM NO, THEY CAN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS!" Bianca threw a pillow at me, but luckily it missed.

"Lalalalalalalalalalala~" I danced like an idiot with my eyes closed.

"Claire will FREAK, FREAK I TELL YOU GEM, FREAK!" Another pillow, another miss, I feel elated.

And guess who just stood in front of me? Speak of the devil, and she shall appear.

"AAAAAAAAHHH CLAIRE WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?"

"Good morning to you too Gemina, you look like you've just seen a real zombie, are you alright?" She had that practiced smile that resembled Russia's on her face, contrasting to my, freaked out "I FUCKING JUST FUCKING SAW FUCKING FRANCE FUCKING STRIP AND I'M FUCKING SCARRED FOR FUCKING LIFE" face, oh look a Cluster F-Bomb.

"YOU'RE THE GODDAMN ZOMBIE, YOU FUCKING SECOND WANNABE RUSSIAN!" I ran back to the safety of the space behind Bianca, peeking from her shoulder.

"Bianca, kill the creepy Russian stalker, kill it!" I said and Feliciano must've heard the word 'Russian' since he hid behind me, I can feel the 'I'm so scared I might shit my pants' aura from him too.

"Ve… G-Gemina… I-is she really Russian?" Well, apparently he did.

"Not really, she represents him though… and America," –insert unholy squeal of fangirl-y-ness from Claire– "uhh… but they hate each other… and, yeah… more shit."

"Gem's right, and IS THAT FELI?" more unorthodox squeals.

Well, I was 150 percent screwed as I was already; now that just shot up, about… let's say 300 more?

Fuck my life. And no, it's not like I started headbanging on Bianca's head, I just repeatedly hit the back of her head with my forehead, cuz I'm so epic.

"Leave demon, be gone…" I kept slurring, pointing to Claire.

And it struck me, school was about to start, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO HANDLE THIIIS!

And there, cue harder head butts (lol…) and annoyed groans from the head butt-ed.

"Good morning fellow bitches, where's the food?" Someone slurred who wasn't me

I was about to scream 'there is no food, go fuck yourself' until I realized…

It was another demon…

450 percent screw-age… plus 1000, add Kristen into the equation… and add the fact America might come next… or France… then Claire, then school… oh dear God… I'm road kill.

That's a total of… what a trillion already?

I might not make through the year… Wish me luck everyone.

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><p>So… many… death threats… uh damn my life…<p>

And poor Gemina, being the only (partially) sane one has its downsides too.

Again, I don't own.

Ciao, 'til the third chapter.

-Kurokage

P.S. Review, every time you don't it brings me closer to choking myself.


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